Why Regulas Black was Killed
by bob-the-blue
Summary: Complete Regulas Black decided to write a book entitled Things never to say or do in the presence of the Dark Lord....Unless you're a suicidal Death Eather the Book itself was a suicide note.


"**Things Never to Say or Do in the Presence of the Dark Lord….Unless You're a Suicidal Death Eater"**

By Regulas Black

_During a Death Eater meeting, walk up to him, call him a mudblood and kick him in the ball_

_Ask him why he prefers 'mangina'_

_Hire a mentally handicapped muggle to dress up as the Dark Lord for the annual Death Eater Halloween costume ball_

_Slip the Dark Lord a powerful sleeping potion, and have said muggle take over for a week_

_Ask him to autograph a picture of Albus Dumbledore _

_For his birthday, give him a shirt that reads 'Godric Gryffindor makes me horny'_

_Replace his aftershave with 'scent of dead field mouse'_

_Slip him a truth potion, and hand him a portkey that takes him to the Minister of Magic's house_

_Turn his wand into a hobbit sized bong, and sell it on the black market_

_Get your Dark Mark color coded_

_Enchant his robes to sing 'Another one bites the dust' whenever he sits down_

_Wear red and gold robes next time he askes to see you_

_When planning the next massacre, rip the biggest, loudest, nastiest fart, and blame it on the Dark Lord_

_Feed his snake laxatives_

_Ask him if he likes to play with trouser snakes_

_Ask him if he's seen the muggle film 'Birth of a Nation'_

_Super impose the Dark Lord's face onto a centerfold, and charm it to be bonded to the wall in the toilet_

_Go to the Death Eater's Death robe laundry room, and replace all their robes with Auror robes_

_Run an add in the Daily Prophet asking 'have you seen my son' and include a picture of the Dark Lord sitting on the can_

_Claim to have met the love child of the Dark Lord and a yeti_

_Turn his hideout into a muggle tourist attraction, and keep all the profits_

_Send out a memo to all the Death Eaters that tomorrow is 'bring your daughter to work day'_

_Fix the Dark Lord up on a blind date with a (literal) troll_

_Run up to him, and tell him it's his turn to pay for the beer run_

_Teabag his snake, and take pictures_

_Buy him a tombstone that reads 'Moldy Wart: Killed by Harry Potter…..while on the can"_

_When late for a gathering with the Dark Lord, claim you were late cause you were finishing up with a 12 year old prostitute that looked remarkably like him_

_Ask him why he never taught at Hogwarts_

_Pack some oregino into a bong, light it up, and pass it to the Dark Lord_

_Tell him that the Ministry has made a new official holiday, 'whacking day'_

_Walk up to him and give him a big hug_

_Speak only in pig latin when in the presence of the Dark Lord_

_Tell him that the KKK has a better dental plan_

_Start wearing snake hide boots_

_Before taking the Dark Mark, get a tattoo of a sad clown making it with a mermaid on your left forarm_

_Offer to play strip chess with the Dark Lord_

_Next time he gets the flu, send him a get well card, and sign it "Mad Eye Moody"_

_Bake hash brownies with strong laxatives, put them in special wrapping, then give them to the Dark Lord, claiming they're a gift from Sirius Black_

_Take his snake for a walk, and come back with Chinese food_

_Ask him if he can change the color of the Death Eater robes to navy blue, cause it brings out the color of your eyes_

_Walk up to the Dark Lord, pull up his shirt, look at his bare chest for a second, then turn to the nearest Death Eater and say "I told you he didn't have three nipples"_

_Next time he's battling aurors, start singing "I fought the law, but the law won"_

_Ask the Dark Lord if he'll teach you to ball room dance_

_Walk up from behind the Dark Lord and say "I don't know what Malfoy was talking about my Lord, you don't look like a bitch from behind to me"_

_While the Dark Lord sits on his throne, light his robes on fire then point to Wormtail_

_Order him a male order husband from Japan_

_Plaster naked pictures of Minerva McGonagall all over the Dark Lord's bedroom_

_Next time there's going to be a muggle torturing in the Dark Lord's lair, rent the place out for an AA meeting_

_Place a permanent 'curse me' sign on his back_

_Run a Pauly Shore and Carrot Top movie marathon_

_Set up a novelty stand in Diagon Alley selling replicates of the Dark Lord's Horcruxes _


End file.
